As a single parent, you probably have so little free time that dating seems an impossible task. Yet, single parents are dating in unprecedented numbers, so if you’re looking for another “head of household” to date, you’ll find one.
As a responsible parent, you’ll want to be very cautious about whom you date and eventually bring home for the safety and well-being of your child(ren). You may feel guilty or unsure about whether dating is OK. Of course it is, as long as you do it responsibly, and your children are not disrupted by your dating.
Single parent dating involves finding a quality person you like, who likes you, and who is comfortable with your children. These extra dynamics can be frustrating, but should not be ignored or overlooked. Pressuring your children to like your date and going too fast for them to get comfortable with the situation, will create unnecessary trouble. This article presents some guidelines to help you, your children and your new date be more comfortable, and assure that things go smoothly.
Safety/ Sensibility Issues
Because today's society is very mobile, it’s easy for people who are not savory to hide their backgrounds. Getting to know people as friends before dating increases the safety of dating and meeting new people. To maximize safety, choose group activities, daytime activities with the children along, and stay in public places until you establish your date’s character.
Parental Dating Guidelines
• Make sure you know a lot about any new person before inviting him/her into your home.
• Make friends before considering a romantic relationship.
• Always introduce new adults to your children as friends, nothing more.
• If your children are old enough to have opinions of your new friends, listen to what they have to say.
• Do not pressure your children to like your new friend, or to spend time with him or her.
• Insist that your children behave appropriately and politely to your adult friends.
• Have regular family discussions with your children.
• If you want to get serious with a date, find out his or her feelings about children, especially your children, first.
• Gradually introduce a new date to your children by doing family oriented activities together. Give your children and your date a chance to develop their own relationships.
• Don’t sacrifice your children's alone time with you to your dating. Don’t miss sport or school events in order to date.
• Don’t share inappropriately with your children. Do not use them as “confidantes” for your relationship confusion or problems. Don't allow them to find out about your sexual relationship.
As writen by: Dr. Tina Tessina, PhD
Sometimes we just need to be reminded!
A well-known speaker started off his seminar by holding up a $20.00 bill.
In the room of 200, he asked, 'Who would like this $20 bill?' Hands started going up.
He said, 'I am going to give this $20 to one of you but first, let me do this.
He proceeded to crumple up the $20 dollar bill.
He then asked, 'Who still wants it?'
Still the hands were up in the air.
Well, he replied, 'What if I do this?'
And he dropped it on the ground and started to grind it into the floor with his shoe.
He picked it up, now crumpled and dirty.
'Now, who still wants it?' Still the hands went into the air.
My friends, we have all learned a very valuable lesson.
No matter what I did to the money, you still wanted it because it did not decrease in value.
It was still worth $20.
Many times in our lives, we are dropped, crumpled, and ground into the dirt
by the decisions we make and the circumstances that come our way.
We feel as though we are worthless.
But no matter what has happened or what will happen, you will never lose your value.
Dirty or clean, crumpled or finely creased, you are still priceless to those who DO LOVE you.
The worth of our lives comes not in what we do or who we know,
but by WHO WE ARE and WHOSE WE ARE.
You are special and don't EVER forget it.'
Count your blessings, not your problems.
And remember: amateurs built the ark... professionals built the Titanic.
If God brings you to it – He will bring you through it.
Grace and Peace be multiplied unto you through the knowledge of God, and Jesus our Lord. 2 Peter 1:2
- Author Unknown
We want it - WHEN we want it and perhaps that is the biggest problem. We always hear about how as a society we are so impatient, but so often we think of that in terms of fast-food and short attention spans. But what if there is more to the story than that....
Are you and your impatience standing in your own way? What is life trying to teach you, that you can't grasp because you are rushing through your day. You hurry for rescue of each issue. You speed through each speed bump of life - not allowing circumstance to teach you patience, humbleness, humility, or even suffering.
Are we so consumed with microwaving our way to our dreams that we are missing the lessons in our daily reality?
I get it, no one likes pain. No one wants to be hurt, however pain serves a purpose. Pain is a teacher...and you must endure it long enough to learn its lesson.
No matter what our situation, and how often we feel alone - we are not. We have a loving father, God who is not only looking out for us but continues to provide for us.....but what we must grasp is this - He does all things in HIS TIME.
All of heaven is aware of your needs, issues, plights and fights - and as soon as you calm down, ALL OF HEAVEN will come to your rescue. All you must simply do is learn how to BE STILL AND KNOW.
That's it. That's the key. Simply BE STILL......and then you will KNOW.
Love you ladies,
The reality is that so many women, especially single moms, who have been broken by life often fall victim to guys who are looking for the next woman to manipulate... These guys enter your world, and begin to promise you the stars and moon, telling you all the wonderful things that haven't heard about yourself in ages...buttering you up.....over and over again.
Then here comes the catch.
One night, after an evening of back and forth " I love you, baby...." he breaks the news.
" Oh, I am waiting on my divorce to be finanlized".
" Well, technically I am still married but I am in it just for the kids"
and then its gets better........because they add...
"My love, can I borrow some money? Just a few hundred $ , (or in Fantasia's case - a few THOUSAND DOLLARS), until next week."
And because you are NOT in a position of a clear mind, I mean who could blame you? Its hard to come off of the high of having your heads stuck in the clouds for a few weeks....You reason it all away to just bad timing or even worse luck.
You tell yourself, " He's a good guy....just going through a hard time. Why would I let a good man slip away over some unsigned paperwork....thats all a divorce is anyway, right?"
This is the time my dear where you should RUN LIKE THE WIND. Any decent man would not involve you (if he really loves you), or his kids (if he really loves them) into an already intense situation. A decent man recognizes that a family separation is traumatic, and he still has an obligation to move on (if that is what he is really trying to do...) in PEACE.
Ladies, how many times are we going to sell ourselves short chasing after or holding on to "messy men". You have to believe that you are worth better than that. You have to love yourself and your kids...better than that. You have to know that if he really is the one for you then love will remain while he gets himself together.
STOP being sooooooo desperate for "a man" that "any" man will do. Have a standard. Have a wise heart. Have enough hope inside of you to not let someone derail your life, your plans. and your purpose.
The first time I acknowledged the fact that I was a single mom was when my son was 2 years old. The reality of the situation became heightened after a devastating yet inevitable end to a 3-year engagement to my son’s father. My hopes of having the “perfect family” slipped through my fingers right along with the diamond ring. It was a painful reality that left me paralyzed emotionally. In technical terms, I was already a “single mom” but never before had I felt the aloneness of the word “single” than during that season. All I could think about was how my heart’s desire of being a complete family had been shattered, crushed beyond repair. My burden to break the generational curse now became the cross that I would bare. When I looked into my son’s eyes, all I could think about at one point was the hurt and disappointment of bringing a “miracle” into this world and not being able to give him the very best life that he deserved, one that included both a mommy and a daddy in the home. I never imagined myself in this situation nor was I able to readily come to grips with the fact that I had become the family statistic that I loathed. These thoughts would consume me and this self-defeating thought pattern spiraled into the deepest and darkest period of depression I had ever experienced.
Like in many situations, this pain actually drew me closer to God like never before and there came a time when I had to put aside those heavy weights of condemnation (most self-induced) and move forward. One fact had remained. There was absolutely nothing that I could do to alter my past so God required me to put those things behind me and press forward. He extended His hand of loving grace toward me and let me know that He had not forgotten about me… even me.
Is your battle today with your own feelings of condemnation as a single mom? You’re not alone but understand that God has called you to be victorious regardless. Just look at some of the successful single moms featured right here on singlemoms365.com! Be encouraged today and understand that this is not a “life sentence” (another topic, another blog post! - smile) but rather an opportunity for God to get the glory.
I leave you with these two scriptures to meditate upon for encouragement and hope:
There is therefore now no condemnation to them which are in Christ Jesus, who walk not after the flesh, but after the Spirit – Romans 8:1
Brethren, I count not myself to have apprehended: but this one thing I do, forgetting those things which are behind, and reaching forth unto those things which are before, I press toward the mark for the prize of the high calling of God in Christ Jesus – Philippians 3:13-14
Joy & Blessings!
I got an email from a single dad that said: "I'd like to hear your experience with dating a man who is raising his children. As a single father, I often wonder what the women that I date are thinking..."
My response to him is below:
"She's thinking.....can I handle this? Am I ready for it? Is this what I want to do. (which are probably some of the same things guys are thinking about when they look to date or even get serious with a single mom).
My advice - just don't lose her. In the midst of her being "mommy" to everyone...don't lose the WOMAN that made you stop and say WOW.
Appreciation in action goes a lot further than words. She will deal with a lot...but knowing that you appreciate her efforts makes it easier to deal with.
But take your time....make sure she is the BEST fit for you and your kids. Don't rush into anything....or you can find a lot of long nights. lol"
Now ladies, what do you think? What if YOUR Mr. Right is also a Mr. Mom? We spend alot of time worrying and wondering about our future spouse being right for our kids....but what about you? Are you right for his kids? Are you flexible and open enough to be a step-mom? Not just on summers and holidays...because the reality of it is more men are gaining FULL CUSTODY of their kids....and odds are, my family isnt the only one that looks more like the Brady bunch than we do the Cosby's.
Are you a woman who is secure, patient, mentally & emotionally stable enough to add someone else's kids to your mix? You've waited so long for your prince charming, but are your prepared for your new life to not just be "all about you?" Then there is the whole other side to this thing.....(yes, the ex's). What impact good or bad have they had on the new kids that you will raise? If the impact was negative, are your capable of handling with care these new additions, who may have been mishandled by a "mom" in the past? Are you even ready for them to resent you? Odds are they aren't looking forward to sharing their dad's attention with you, no matter how wonderful you are. Speaking of kids....what about yours? Are they mentally and emotionally healthy enough to share their mom? Share their living spaces? Share their toys? Share their grandparents? Are your kids ready to share their LIVES with these new kids just because YOU fell in love?
There is a reason why the divorce rate for blended families is sooooo high. Is because its hard. However, if you have truly committed in your heart to make it work - then it can. Set the standard and the understanding in your household, and even to your friends and family - that we are here to make this work. This is the mate that God designed with me in mind and together we will fulfill our purpose in the earth.
It may take time, but that's okay. We are here for the long haul so time is not a problem.
Yes we are blended....but we are together, and our unit will stand strong.
An Open Letter to ALL Baby Mamas from HELL:
I know you are angry and frustrated.
You are loud and annoying too.
Everyone is laughing and blaming,
But really what you need is for someone to show you the truth.
Some truth like - why is my life jacked up?
And why isnt he helping me raise these kids?
And why cant I ever get a break or some alone time?
And who is supposed to help me with these bills?
But when you stop being angry long enough,
You'll find that the help you need has been there all along.
No one else is coming to save and rescue you.
You must write your own melody to this song....
Stop being so ignorant and arrogant.
Stop thinking its just you against the world.
Stop trying to compromise your way into his tomorrow.
Stop self destructing just to be one less lonely girl.
Your kids need you now,
and they need you to find yourself.
Your FUTURE needs you now,
but time wont wait for any one else.
Start making the small changes today that bring you real success overall.
Stop prioritizing better - stop wasting your money on weave,
and nails, and straight up living LARGE at the mall.
You can do this. You can live better.
You can raise healthy and positive kids.
Just believe in you - the same way that we do -
and you'll see how with God by your side -
You can STILL get through this.
We know those no good jokers dont really care about no one but themself.....but who knows maybe they are turning over a new leaf. Either way, WHEN A DEADBEAT PARENT STARTS MAKING PROMISES...here are a few ways to remain sane no matter what they do or DONT do.
# 1. KEEP YOUR HANDS CLEAN so that your kid(s) will never come back and say, mom - my dad said that he tried to help take care of me or buy me things I needed and you didnt let him.
MANIPULATION is a HUGE TACTIC that the dead beat parents OFTEN use......SO with that being said, tell him to get her a giftcard so he/she can pick some things out.....OR even have him/her go to Walmart/Target and register (like a baby or wedding gift registry) and then send him the info so that if they REALLY want to do something.....they can do so, no matter where they are.
# 2. KEEP it REAL with your kid(s). Sometimes EXPERIENCE is the BEST teacher. Let them talk to the parent...and hear the promises. If the deadbeat keeps their word - GREAT! But if they dont, you are teaching your kid(s) a valuable lesson about INTEGRITY and making sure that when they get older...their WORDS have some real WEIGHT.
#3 Finally, KEEP IT COOL. I know its hard....and they owe you SOOO much....but maintain your chill factor. DONT REACT. DONT BE DIFFICULT to deal with. JUST STICK TO THE POINT....There will be PLENTY of time to deal with ALL of the other stuff..and I know you hate them for what they did to you.....BUT try not to put your personal disdain for your EX in the middle. Allow your child to have this encounter with your EX - without getting a mouthful of drama from you. Even the smallest amount of negative energy puts your kid(s) in a conflicted state of mind. RESIST the urge....and just KEEP YOUR COOL.
Keep ya head up divaz! Its never fair....but it WILL BE alright.
YOU + GOD = SUCCESS ( no matter who else comes and goes.... YOU + GOD = SUCCESS!)
Ladies allow me to VENT.
So many times as single mothers we attempt to overcompensate for some area of lack in our lives, by "babying" our children. But realize, that when you do this, when you give in for the sake of "not feeling guilty", you handicap your children. You rob them of learning to deal with not getting their way - within the confines of the safe home environment.
So now, because we feel guilty from being single - or maybe our family has experienced loss - or maybe we dont have the money that our friends have - whatever the issue or plight may be....when we pacify our growing and sometime already adult children - we are simply taking the easy way out, at their expense.
If you love your child - love them enough to sometimes tell them NO. Love them enough to be truthful. Love them enough to show them how to handle rejection. Love them enough to give them the tools to deal with life when everything doesnt go their way.
If you keep your kids dependent upon you - what happens to them when you are no longer there.
Momma, you're raising a big baby....and you need to stop it.
I believe that there is nothing more tragic than a woman who does not know her value. A woman like this, has been tricked into believing that she is merely just the sum of her parts. Her esteemed is tied into what she receives from others, and seldom reliant upon what she brings to the table. She cant find any fulfillment in her own accomplishments, because her success is based on what everyone else thinks...
She runs the risk of allowing mistreatment, because she no longer understands the purpose of her being.
She does not know her value.
Do not be this woman. Although you may know her all to well. Her smile is superficial. Her wealth is on her back. Her conversation is full of shallowness.... Her future is full of lack. She may have the best of things....oh wait, those things have her. She has lied, manipulated, cheated, and schemed to acquire what others say they want and need. She runs for the magazines, so the writers can tell her the new "must haves" she needs in order to belong. She is lost. She is careless. She is wasteful. She is hiding. She is drowning in the mundane, she is dying for existence. She is ripe for abuse. She becomes an easy target. She does not know her value.
She does not know that she was designed by the creator for a particular use and purpose in this world. She does not know that He loves her more than anything, and His heart beats for her happiness. She does not know that the things are worthless, regardless of the price mankind has placed on them. She does not know that rather her clothes come from the most secluded boutique or the bulkest department store, she yet remains beautiful. She is still whole. She must remain complete.
She does not believe the truth: that if she expects respect, that any decent mate will comply. She does not dare to trust that she is worth the exclusive love that doesnt destroy your soul, but brings abundant life to it.
I want to tell this girl, that I know her. That I have been her. That even now I struggle with the reality of the everyday. I want to tell her that I often want to settle for missing the mark or selling short on my dreams. I want to tell her that sometimes, I dont want to fight for what I deserve either.....
There is SOMETHING in me that knows I am better than abuse. I am worth more than mistreatment. I am a standard. I am a queen and my father's heart beats for me to succeed. So because God sees SOMETHING in me - I know that SOMETHING is there. I know my value because Christ has called me PRICELESS.